The guilt of anxiety

Okay so it’d be an understatement for me to say that anxiety is inhabilitating disorder. There are days I could not fathom crawling out of bed simply because I feel as if something terrible will happen the second I put my foot to the floor.

Some of these times I manage to drag myself into the situation and other times I find it that I make some excuse as to why I cannot be somewhere at that time.

It is more difficult to tell a loved one or a friend you cannot go out with them to the family gathering or to dinner simply because you have some irrational panic of something going wrong.

And it is stupid because you know your fears are dumb and unwarranted. I think out of all the people that have ever entered my life… I am the hardest on myself.

Yes yes I know we are our own worst critics, but I am not even saying that I’m criticizing myself I am simply saying that anxiety is not an excuse.

I cannot tell you the amount of times I have missed a class because I could not stand the company of another person that day. It had nothing to do with the course or the individuals I would have been surrounded by, just simply that they were people and people were not what I wanted to be around.

So what? everybody goes through those days right? and ya wanna know something? They still function normally even if they do not want to.

I really wish it were that simple for me… because no friend, family member, boss, coworker, or professor is going to understand that I have a disorder nobody can see and that it is more than a feeling it is my insides crumpling into a know at the thought of performing a task.

I try to make excuses for myself, I really do. It’s okay that class was too early you need to catch up on sleep anyway… but when I find that I’m saying the same thing at 1 in the afternoon I know that I am in the wrong.

The Doctors say I could not possibly help it, that I should be kinder to myself because I am taking baby steps in a world my brain does not want to live in.

I would really like to be okay… whatever okay means.

I guess most importantly I want to be able to function regularly. I don’t want to miss out on opportunities or life because I am terrified of every possibility.

I know in my heart that I shouldn’t be so rough with my brain when I am already so fragile but for once I would like to not let other people down like I do myself.

Wanna hear more about what other people with anxiety think on this topic?

Here’s a blog by Kelly Wynne, a 20 year old blogger from New York

Link: http://www.justcutthebullshit.com/home/2016/10/20/anxiety-is-an-invalid-excuse