This campus is horrid and I cannot wait to leave

Any experience away from home is going to be terrifying.
This became especially true when I moved onto my college campus.
It is not so much that there is anything wrong with this campus, it is beautiful and most of my professors are great.
I however am not great. My roommate and I do not exactly connect and perhaps it is because of this that I hate my dorm room.
I am not all that great at making new friends as I panic when having to start a new conversation.

I have found that the struggle is in being myself.
The fact that I can finally relax knowing that I can leave is in a lot of ways sad to me but also enlightening.

College is a time to make lifelong friends and because I suck at making friends I know I should have surrounded myself with people I had already known.I am returning home, not necessarily a failure at being on my own but instead putting myself into a healthier situation for the sake of my mental sake.

I encourage the people on this campus to look at themselves and offer help to other because maybe if someone had my first semester would not have ended with me wanting to claw my eyes out.

I do not blame this school for my anxiety or my issues or for my wanting to leave.
But I do blame myself and the lack of connection with other people.
Other people have found ways to escape their anxiety problems...

Read ways to help:
www.escapeanxiety.com/blog/

Little victories

Today I got out of bed.

That is a victory for me.

Today I went to most of my classes. 

I find myself living a constant struggle to do everyday activities. It is in doing things that other people do with ease that I have to reward myself.

I finished a project.

And to a lot of people this will not seem like much. Let me tell you that there are some days I don't do a damn thing or even take care of my responsibilities and if I do not applaud myself for these small victories I don't think I ever would get out of bed again.

I have to coax myself to eat a meal and sometimes I only once a day if at all. Not because I am anorexic or dieting or wanting to lose weight... but what is the point of eating if I don't want to move anyway.

An important part of suffering from anxiety is that people understand how good it is to accomplish little things. Loving yourself when you are not whole is not an easy task believe me.
So celebrate the small things, it will give you the strength to accomplish things later on.

Enlightening books you may should read:
The Willpower Instinct  by Kelly McGonigal

How to fix yourself

There are many ways to calm yourself after an anxiety attack.
And if you or someone you know that has anxiety is against taking medication then this is the section for you.

Options that may help you include:
Writing- Write down your feelings just to get them out of your head and relinquish your body from negative thoughts

Paint: Splatter whatever you want onto a canvas to show yourself that your feelings are art and that you have beauty in your darkest time

Listen to music: music has amazing calming powers

Draw: scribbling on a page can do wonders for your worries

Call a friend: sometimes you just need a supporter who is not a trained professional.

Yoga: if it isn't your thing find a similar exercise that is

Exersice: releases endorphins that can in turn make you feel happy and less stressed

Guided meditation: will help you feel relaxed,find videos on youtube

Look  up  how other people felt better on these websites:
www.bbrfoundation.org/anxiety‎

www.queenscountymentalhealthsociety.org/‎

www.magnolia-creek.com/‎

Lurking in the darkness

Information coming from: http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/symptoms/bad-thoughts

states that bad thoughts differ from disorder to disorder

• Generalized Anxiety DisorderGAD is slightly different. These types of bad thoughts are all simply worries, and are often (although not always) triggered by the situation. For example, if you're out late you may worry that you'll get in trouble with your spouse if you don't rush home, or you'll worry about your talking to your boss tomorrow about your project.
• Panic DisorderThe bad thoughts in panic disorder are usually around health, or the fear of being unable to escape. Health fears are often fueled by basic knowledge, such as "I may have a heart problem" or "I have the symptoms of multiple sclerosis." Internet research often fuels these thoughts, and most come from trying to find a non-anxiety explanation for your symptoms.
• Social AnxietyThe bad thoughts in social anxiety are generally tailored to social faux pas. A person will have a severe fear of embarrassment, and may even imagine the worst happening to them in every social situation.
• It is most important to tell yourself these thoughts do not define you and if you need to seek out a counseling service to talk about them.
• Free online counseling can be found at:https://www.iprevail.com/chat_landing

The workshop

There are tons of ways to work with kids at any age on controlling their stress and anxiety.

In the workshop I did at the junior high I worked with a group of kids ranging from 11-14.

This age is really succeptible to emotional changes that can bring on a lot of stress and anxiety. I thought this was a good target age group because of how many new things they are about to face in the upcoming years of their life.

To begin with: the students in this workshop were those it was recommended to as well as some of their friends because nobody would want to sit in a boring room listening to someone talk with noone they were close with.

At the start of course the students were timid,so I first explained the point of my presentation as well as went through a powerpoint. I explained the warning signs of anxiety as well as told them about my story (my first post to this blog).

I feel like a lot of students connected with my story in that they felt the sort of stress I had faced and that it was not normal.

Then I presented to them a guided meditation video to relax them as well as encouraged them to seek out help from their counselor and parents.
For those students who were there just as support I told them they should try to be there for their friends and to check on them often. I also told those who were recommended to cut themselves some slack because they are at a difficult point in their life and I want them to live long happy lives.

Guided meditation:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vO1wPAmiMQ

Helping guard.

I spent some of my hours back in my home town working with the colorguard at my old highschool.

I had previously close ties to some of the girls on our team and I knew that some of them suffered from anxiety and at the age they are I know that they are about to become succeptible to so much more.

In working with the newer girls as well as the other members I had known previously I got to watch them learn ways that would potentially prevent them from reaching such terrible levels of stress and worry and hopefully they will be less likely to amount in thousands for medical bills.

In working with them,the techniques I used were practicing stretches that would relax their muscles as well as participating in yoga. I know it sounds cliche that yoga will help you relax but it isn't wrong... I first learned how much yoga helps through cheer practice when my coach had brought an instructor to work with us (on my behalf).

Then after we worked on those techniques I worked with them through their practice to help prevent the stress of learning their new work.

Finally once practice was over I went through a guided relaxation from a video found on youtube.
This will have a voiceover that will have you lay down and give different directions for you to follow and think about, this in turn causes your body to relax. After doing this exercise there was a lot of positive feedback from the students and I felt like I had done a great deed to them for opening their doors to this experience.

If you would like to watch or use one of these techniques here are a few links:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJbRpHZr_d0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoYnqvadurg

By yourself

Trigger warning.

It would be wrong of me to pretend that my days are always looking up in this blog.

There are plenty of times I find myself wishing I was no longer myself or in my body or in this life.

And to be honest those times happen more often than I care to admit. 

I could not count on 20 hands the about of times I have thought about leaving this body for whatever kind of place comes after, I have already been living in hell. 

I find that my problems stem when I am alone. Most often when I feel trapped. I am stuck on a campus that is a block, with no friends, and of course you could say that this is my fault because why do I not just leave?

I have no car, no socialization, and no will to live. It is like I find ways to be happy when I am with friends from USI (whom I call often) and when I am accompanying my significant other on countless adventures on some weekends (he lives 2 hours away) but as soon as they are gone I am falling apart once again.

I know socialization like that is only a bandaid sort of fix, it's never going to be permanent and I need to find a more longterm way to control where I am at but unfortunately whether it be my stubborn nature or my incessant worries of depending on a trip to a shrink or even medication I keep putting on bandaid after bandaid, 

And I suppose you all might benefit if I was raw and real with you about how sad and lonely it is here, so that maybe I am not always pretending I am okay. I am just so use to guarding myself. 

Anyway here is an instance that would pertain to my campus:

I was having a rough day, the amount of stress I was under was enough alone to drive me over the edge. And it was more than just college deadlines and finishing papers but I found myself in the library finishing typing with tears down my cheeks because my body could no longer handle the pressure. I calmly rose from my spot and walked outside into the cold and sat on the ground beside a bench in the dark. Perhaps I did not look as distraught as I felt, but with tear soaked sleeves I watched passerby after passerby walk by, physically look at me, and not a single person asked if I was okay. I am not in any way saying that this campus’s students lack common courtesy but I am saying that if I had been to the point of suicidal and was thinking “if one person would just ask if I am okay… I would not end it tonight” that I would not be here to write this blog.

 I know I am not the only to have dark times, and if you or someone you know is facing them you can contact a crisis hotline by: 

TEXT “GO” TO 741741

or 

Find blogs of others willing to help others:

anxiety-depression-support.tumblr.com/post/.../panic-in-the-heat-trigger-warning

Medications

The answer to anxiety disorder should be simple right? Take a couple xanax they will relax you right away.

But to be honest I have never been much of a person to seek out medication when I have something wrong with me. And to be quite frank I hate seeing doctors. They in fact give me more anxiety than I have originally going in to see them. I wish the answer to my problem were as simple as taking a few pills when I think I am going to fall apart,but truth be told? 

When I think about taking other medications for my condition... I judge myself more than anybody else could. 

I am afraid of a lifetime dependency on medication to make me function like everybody else does without it. How am I to identify with anyone when they do not need prescriptions to enjoy this life?

I also know that it is dumb of me to refuse this sort of help simply based on what I think of taking prescriptions. I also know it is even more obsurd that in doing this I am not even judging people who do I try to understand them as I am friends with plenty of them.

I wish there was a part of me that could speak up about my disorder enough so that I could find help.I wish that I would not judge myself to a point that I can no longer stand to look at myself in the mirror and honestly? I wish sometimes I enjoyed feeling the way I do like everyone else seems to.

From what I have seen though, is that those friends of mine who are taking pills for their disorders still have the really bad days like I do. And it is not to say that their disorder is at the same level as mine perhaps it is more severe...Whichever is may be as far as I have watched those medications do not always work.

I do however find myself on 2 medications that treat the beforehand and aftermath of my anxiety problems. My form of anxiety comes with tight chest and not being able to the breath once it comes so I have an inhaler that keeps my airways open so that I will not pass out. For the aftermath,I have pills that coat my stomach so I can eat after I panic and get stomach ulcers from my anxiety attacks.

I am not completely relinquished from medical help as I would like to be,but I am glad in knowing I can look at the other ways I manage my anxiety problems. 

Wanna hear another opinion from a person with anxiety on taking medications?

Kelly Wynne 

Link: http://www.justcutthebullshit.com/home/2016/10/23/wzmmtu7y6e01i44uoumpg7ov53hqgq

The guilt of anxiety

Okay so it’d be an understatement for me to say that anxiety is inhabilitating disorder. There are days I could not fathom crawling out of bed simply because I feel as if something terrible will happen the second I put my foot to the floor.

Some of these times I manage to drag myself into the situation and other times I find it that I make some excuse as to why I cannot be somewhere at that time.

It is more difficult to tell a loved one or a friend you cannot go out with them to the family gathering or to dinner simply because you have some irrational panic of something going wrong.

And it is stupid because you know your fears are dumb and unwarranted. I think out of all the people that have ever entered my life… I am the hardest on myself.

Yes yes I know we are our own worst critics, but I am not even saying that I’m criticizing myself I am simply saying that anxiety is not an excuse.

I cannot tell you the amount of times I have missed a class because I could not stand the company of another person that day. It had nothing to do with the course or the individuals I would have been surrounded by, just simply that they were people and people were not what I wanted to be around.

So what? everybody goes through those days right? and ya wanna know something? They still function normally even if they do not want to.

I really wish it were that simple for me… because no friend, family member, boss, coworker, or professor is going to understand that I have a disorder nobody can see and that it is more than a feeling it is my insides crumpling into a know at the thought of performing a task.

I try to make excuses for myself, I really do. It’s okay that class was too early you need to catch up on sleep anyway… but when I find that I’m saying the same thing at 1 in the afternoon I know that I am in the wrong.

The Doctors say I could not possibly help it, that I should be kinder to myself because I am taking baby steps in a world my brain does not want to live in.

I would really like to be okay… whatever okay means.

I guess most importantly I want to be able to function regularly. I don’t want to miss out on opportunities or life because I am terrified of every possibility.

I know in my heart that I shouldn’t be so rough with my brain when I am already so fragile but for once I would like to not let other people down like I do myself.

Wanna hear more about what other people with anxiety think on this topic?

Here’s a blog by Kelly Wynne, a 20 year old blogger from New York

Link: http://www.justcutthebullshit.com/home/2016/10/20/anxiety-is-an-invalid-excuse 

My story

My story:

            I believe everyone is given a challenge to face in their life. Whether that be having an incurable disease, mental health issues, not being born the gender you think you are, not being "normal" per say, or even watching someone you love facing these problems without a way to help. Personally the challenge I was given is one I have yet to fully overcome, in this essay I am going to express the difficulties of living with general anxiety as well as talk about different situations that I have faced and conquered.

            General anxiety is a form of mental health disorder that interferes with daily activities. This disorder can be developed at an early age or even in adults. It is fairly common with nearly 3 million cases in the US diagnosed each year. I was diagnosed as a sophomore in high-school, after a long struggle in the beginning of the year I found it harder to keep my grades up as well as perform my best in my extracurricular activities and I began waking up to severe stomach and chest pains. Along with these pains came immense panic in my mind and it felt like a hellish chaotic mess was surrounding me but I thought everyone felt this way so I kept it in.

            I would walk into two classes, both of which I needed to specifically apply myself into, in tears almost daily. The fear of not doing well and disappointing my parents kept me in a constant state of emotional wreckage. After weeks of suffering from lack of sleep I began losing weight, my stomach would hurt so bad I could not fathom taking a bite of food and even when I did I found myself over the toilet within minutes.  Constant worry flooded my every thought and this in turn affected if I would go out with friends, my ability to make all the practices and meets for my extracurriculars. It is a challenge in itself to be an athlete and want to better yourself but not being physically able to compete.

            One of the worst things about any form of anxiety is that nobody can really see the toll it is taking on your insides. For me it came in waves of panic, followed by stomach ulcers, inflamed stomach lining, severe weight loss, constant tears and chest pain. It was not until weeks of this suffering I brought it to the attention of my mother and sought medical treatment.                  This in turn brought on a whole new form of pain. I first went to my family doctor who originally being concerned about my weight assumed I had developed an eating disorder, upon further testing in a CT scan decided I should see a specialist. I was sent to a gastroenterologist, the medical term for an intestines specialist, who asked me about my stool, took tubes upon tubes of blood samples before sending me to a hospital for an Upper GI. An Upper GI is a medical procedure in which you can’t eat before, you are asked to swallow these air crystals which are really similar to pop rocks but are made to open up your throat passage. Next you are handed a glass of a vile concoction made of powder and water called barium, for people with a texture problem (like myself) this fluid is a living nightmare. The doctor performing the exam came in and immediately scared me with her yelling and angry scowls, she would ask me to hold the liquid in my mouth and only swallow when she said so that she could get the picture. It took about 4 takes each angle and with tears streaming down my face I told the nurse I could not continue with the test because I was going to be sick. After leaving the test came medication after medication trying to treat the pain, some made me sick, others did nothing at all, but none were working like I needed them to. Finally after such a long torturous process stomach ulcers were the decided diagnosis, which they soon after connected to my stress a surefire connection to an anxiety disorder. I was then put on medication that actually treated the physical problems for my stomach and occasionally they find a way into my life today.

            However, having a form of anxiety like this is not all bad. I do not constantly feel under mountains of pressure anymore and in trying to find ways to calm my anxiety I found hobbies I loved. I was put on medication that would coat the inner walls of my stomach, allowing me to eat proper foods and begin to regain a healthy weight.

            It was in the really dark times of fear that I found I learned the most. I may not have learned what the class was trying to teach me, but the fear of failing that caused me to eventually fail test brought me one step closer to recovery. I learned that victory was not always coming out on top, but instead learning to triumph in little ways.

            A disorder like this can last for years, even a lifetime. While this disorder is fairly common it is not exactly accepted or understood by those who do not suffer from it. Some of the biggest problems I faced when originally diagnosed were explaining what I was actually going through, that I was not anorexic I just physically could not eat this meal, explaining to my coaches that I was actually trying my best, and explaining to teachers how I went from being a straight A student to failing almost every test. I learn to cherish the little victories that came with getting to eat a meal, or learning to control the aftermath of anxiety attacks.

            At the time I was diagnosed I did not know this was an actual disorder, and while it can be treated by therapy or even medications I preferred to learn how to control my anxiety in activities like yoga, painting, writing or color-guard. I know that because of this disorder I am more sympathetic to those with mental health disorders and I am always more caring for people when they stress out. I cannot say for sure, but if someone had been there for me to talk to before my disorder started causing physical harm then I would never have suffered such damaging issues.

            In conclusion, I believe everyone has a challenge they are given to face in their lifetime. I have not overcome this challenge fully, but I can confidently say that I think eventually I can. There are still days I find it difficult to coax myself out of bed, or even to say “hi” to those I call my friends.  I know that every day is a battle and that I will not always win, but I have found the strength in myself throughout this ordeal to win the war.