By yourself

Trigger warning.

It would be wrong of me to pretend that my days are always looking up in this blog.

There are plenty of times I find myself wishing I was no longer myself or in my body or in this life.

And to be honest those times happen more often than I care to admit. 

I could not count on 20 hands the about of times I have thought about leaving this body for whatever kind of place comes after, I have already been living in hell. 

I find that my problems stem when I am alone. Most often when I feel trapped. I am stuck on a campus that is a block, with no friends, and of course you could say that this is my fault because why do I not just leave?

I have no car, no socialization, and no will to live. It is like I find ways to be happy when I am with friends from USI (whom I call often) and when I am accompanying my significant other on countless adventures on some weekends (he lives 2 hours away) but as soon as they are gone I am falling apart once again.

I know socialization like that is only a bandaid sort of fix, it's never going to be permanent and I need to find a more longterm way to control where I am at but unfortunately whether it be my stubborn nature or my incessant worries of depending on a trip to a shrink or even medication I keep putting on bandaid after bandaid, 

And I suppose you all might benefit if I was raw and real with you about how sad and lonely it is here, so that maybe I am not always pretending I am okay. I am just so use to guarding myself. 

Anyway here is an instance that would pertain to my campus:

I was having a rough day, the amount of stress I was under was enough alone to drive me over the edge. And it was more than just college deadlines and finishing papers but I found myself in the library finishing typing with tears down my cheeks because my body could no longer handle the pressure. I calmly rose from my spot and walked outside into the cold and sat on the ground beside a bench in the dark. Perhaps I did not look as distraught as I felt, but with tear soaked sleeves I watched passerby after passerby walk by, physically look at me, and not a single person asked if I was okay. I am not in any way saying that this campus’s students lack common courtesy but I am saying that if I had been to the point of suicidal and was thinking “if one person would just ask if I am okay… I would not end it tonight” that I would not be here to write this blog.

 I know I am not the only to have dark times, and if you or someone you know is facing them you can contact a crisis hotline by: 

TEXT “GO” TO 741741

or 

Find blogs of others willing to help others:

anxiety-depression-support.tumblr.com/post/.../panic-in-the-heat-trigger-warning