My story

My story:

            I believe everyone is given a challenge to face in their life. Whether that be having an incurable disease, mental health issues, not being born the gender you think you are, not being "normal" per say, or even watching someone you love facing these problems without a way to help. Personally the challenge I was given is one I have yet to fully overcome, in this essay I am going to express the difficulties of living with general anxiety as well as talk about different situations that I have faced and conquered.

            General anxiety is a form of mental health disorder that interferes with daily activities. This disorder can be developed at an early age or even in adults. It is fairly common with nearly 3 million cases in the US diagnosed each year. I was diagnosed as a sophomore in high-school, after a long struggle in the beginning of the year I found it harder to keep my grades up as well as perform my best in my extracurricular activities and I began waking up to severe stomach and chest pains. Along with these pains came immense panic in my mind and it felt like a hellish chaotic mess was surrounding me but I thought everyone felt this way so I kept it in.

            I would walk into two classes, both of which I needed to specifically apply myself into, in tears almost daily. The fear of not doing well and disappointing my parents kept me in a constant state of emotional wreckage. After weeks of suffering from lack of sleep I began losing weight, my stomach would hurt so bad I could not fathom taking a bite of food and even when I did I found myself over the toilet within minutes.  Constant worry flooded my every thought and this in turn affected if I would go out with friends, my ability to make all the practices and meets for my extracurriculars. It is a challenge in itself to be an athlete and want to better yourself but not being physically able to compete.

            One of the worst things about any form of anxiety is that nobody can really see the toll it is taking on your insides. For me it came in waves of panic, followed by stomach ulcers, inflamed stomach lining, severe weight loss, constant tears and chest pain. It was not until weeks of this suffering I brought it to the attention of my mother and sought medical treatment.                  This in turn brought on a whole new form of pain. I first went to my family doctor who originally being concerned about my weight assumed I had developed an eating disorder, upon further testing in a CT scan decided I should see a specialist. I was sent to a gastroenterologist, the medical term for an intestines specialist, who asked me about my stool, took tubes upon tubes of blood samples before sending me to a hospital for an Upper GI. An Upper GI is a medical procedure in which you can’t eat before, you are asked to swallow these air crystals which are really similar to pop rocks but are made to open up your throat passage. Next you are handed a glass of a vile concoction made of powder and water called barium, for people with a texture problem (like myself) this fluid is a living nightmare. The doctor performing the exam came in and immediately scared me with her yelling and angry scowls, she would ask me to hold the liquid in my mouth and only swallow when she said so that she could get the picture. It took about 4 takes each angle and with tears streaming down my face I told the nurse I could not continue with the test because I was going to be sick. After leaving the test came medication after medication trying to treat the pain, some made me sick, others did nothing at all, but none were working like I needed them to. Finally after such a long torturous process stomach ulcers were the decided diagnosis, which they soon after connected to my stress a surefire connection to an anxiety disorder. I was then put on medication that actually treated the physical problems for my stomach and occasionally they find a way into my life today.

            However, having a form of anxiety like this is not all bad. I do not constantly feel under mountains of pressure anymore and in trying to find ways to calm my anxiety I found hobbies I loved. I was put on medication that would coat the inner walls of my stomach, allowing me to eat proper foods and begin to regain a healthy weight.

            It was in the really dark times of fear that I found I learned the most. I may not have learned what the class was trying to teach me, but the fear of failing that caused me to eventually fail test brought me one step closer to recovery. I learned that victory was not always coming out on top, but instead learning to triumph in little ways.

            A disorder like this can last for years, even a lifetime. While this disorder is fairly common it is not exactly accepted or understood by those who do not suffer from it. Some of the biggest problems I faced when originally diagnosed were explaining what I was actually going through, that I was not anorexic I just physically could not eat this meal, explaining to my coaches that I was actually trying my best, and explaining to teachers how I went from being a straight A student to failing almost every test. I learn to cherish the little victories that came with getting to eat a meal, or learning to control the aftermath of anxiety attacks.

            At the time I was diagnosed I did not know this was an actual disorder, and while it can be treated by therapy or even medications I preferred to learn how to control my anxiety in activities like yoga, painting, writing or color-guard. I know that because of this disorder I am more sympathetic to those with mental health disorders and I am always more caring for people when they stress out. I cannot say for sure, but if someone had been there for me to talk to before my disorder started causing physical harm then I would never have suffered such damaging issues.

            In conclusion, I believe everyone has a challenge they are given to face in their lifetime. I have not overcome this challenge fully, but I can confidently say that I think eventually I can. There are still days I find it difficult to coax myself out of bed, or even to say “hi” to those I call my friends.  I know that every day is a battle and that I will not always win, but I have found the strength in myself throughout this ordeal to win the war.